1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
