i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
