Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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