Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
