new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
