So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
