I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
