Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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