I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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