Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
