he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
