new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
