is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
