so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
