Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
