My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
