Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My penis needs a shock collar
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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