we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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