When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
