Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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