my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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