I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
