I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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