okay pat passed out under dana's car
Screwed.edu
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
