I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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