I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
