Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
