Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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