My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
