Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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