Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
