bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
