I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My bed smells like the plague
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
