I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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