you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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