Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
