It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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