He disabled his match.com account in front of me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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