Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
