mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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