I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
