Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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