All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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