and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
