Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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