im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
