I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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