New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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