Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
