I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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