not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
