I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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