Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
