I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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