She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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